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0:02
Hello, welcome back to Called the Homeschool episode #284 Tools of what to do instead of yelling.
Hey friends, welcome back.
It is Meg.
Thanks for listening.
I'm excited to keep diving in with another tool to help you really succeed with No yell November.
0:22
I would absolutely just be tickled if every home became a non yelling home.
Can you imagine the difference that that would make for our children, for our society, for our world to have these homes full of peace?
And I am on that mission to restore the family.
0:39
And it starts with these very simple things.
So, so excited about it.
This will be the last episode this month to really dive in with some no yelling help.
But if you've been listening all of October, I did an episode about some of the negative side effects of what happens with your kids when you yell at them.
0:57
And then what are some of the positive side effects of being a calm, safe parent?
So if you haven't listened to those, I invite you to go back and listen to them.
Sometimes it's just great to get some awareness of the path that I'm on, right?
And so sometimes I think this, I do this with my kids too, when they like are exploring, trying different things or some certain friends and they can't quite see the path that this would put them on, right?
1:23
And so like, hey, you're welcome to go with these kids, but this is the path that's most likely going to lead you down or this is the great path.
This is going to lead you down with these kids, right?
I'm so positives and the negatives of different paths I try to do with myself of like the way I eat or the way I take care of my health or different things of what path does that put me on?
1:40
With the way I show up with my husband, with the way I show up with my children, I'm either getting closer with them or I am driving as further apart.
So I love that idea of just looking at the end result of where you your behavior takes you.
So go back and listen to those if you haven't yet.
1:57
But today I want to actually give you some tips of what to do, right?
So the other ones are kind of talking about the side effects of what yelling does and what being calm does and how it completely transforms your family.
But today I want to leave you with the tip of something tangible, tangible that you can do.
2:13
So let's first pause and be realistic here for a moment.
If it were super easy to stop yelling then me telling you the pros and the cons of not yelling would just be enough for you to stop.
But it's not that easy or people wouldn't need help in giving it up.
2:29
But for some of you, yelling is a learned behavior.
Your parents yelled or your mom yelled, your dad yelled and you're like well that's just what I do.
I've heard clients say friends say well my mom was a yeller so I'm so am I and friends.
First of all, that is nonsense.
2:46
Just because your parent had a certain behavior does that mean, does not mean that that is your behavior.
So it's not like because your mom's a redhead, you're a redhead.
It is behavior is not something passed on like that.
So to put that on your parent makes you not accountable for your own choices, and it takes away your agency and your ability to choose.
3:13
And you always have a choice.
With that being said, it may be a habit that you learn from your parent.
And now you get to make a choice.
And if it's something that you want to keep doing or is it something you want to let go of?
So I do want you to remember that yelling is always a choice.
3:34
There's a quote from Viktor Frankel, a Holocaust survivor, that says between stimulus and response, there is a space.
And in that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
I'm going to say this again, between stimulus, so between the thing happening, the child spilling, the kid having a meltdown, and our response yelling or being calm, there is a space.
4:02
And in that space is our power to choose our response.
And our response lies.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
So you meet, I've heard many clients say this before.
Meg, where is that space?
4:20
There is no space.
And I want to talk to you.
Well, first I'm going to talk to you about how to find that space and then also a tip of what to do during that space of finding that power that for a response to either our growth and our freedom or captivity, basically, right?
4:37
So if you remember the beginning of the month, I talked about that during the challenge, you're going to be required to track things and one of them is your sleep.
Drinking 65 ounces of water, walking 6000 steps, eating 2 servings of fruits and or veggies, a digital sunrise and sunset from any screen.
4:55
So basically don't getting on screen 15 minutes after you wake up and don't be on 115 minutes before you go to bed and then meditating and or journaling at least 5 minutes a day.
So these things that I'm asking you to do are not some arbitrary thing I made-up like these sound nice, right?
5:12
These are the things that help you find the space.
For those of you who feel like there is no space, it is because your nervous system is off and these items are to help you restore your nervous system.
Basically, when your nervous system is reactive like that, you are just stuck in fight or flight.
5:32
You go into fight or flight response so quickly and we want to train your brain that it doesn't like this is not actually danger.
You're not in any trouble of what to do versus go to fight of that yelling, right?
So these things are helping what I like to call opening your window of tolerance.
5:52
So when you aren't doing these basic fundamentals, your window of tolerance is so low.
You get set off from a kid spilling something, a kid not doing their work, and I roll not listening the first time and so on.
But as you learn to open the window of tolerance, and this is opening that space, you'll start to see the space and you can choose your response.
6:18
The space or window of tolerance is going to be so small at first, but as you keep going, the window gets bigger and bigger.
Now when as it gets bigger, you can start seeing things clearly.
And when you can see things clearly, you can have understanding, compassion, love.
6:38
You can keep your connection and you can actually teach your kids.
I want you to have a clear understanding of your fundamentals and window of tolerance because once that is starting to open, then you are ready for ideas of what to do during that space.
6:53
So, so often people are like, give me the magical action item.
Just give that to me.
But if that space is so close closed, and they're like a teeny tiny space in your window is so closed, then it doesn't matter because you are going to be so reactive that when your kid does something that you don't normally like that we lots of times call triggers that you will go immediately into what your old habits have been of yelling and whatnot.
7:16
But as we take care of these most basic fundamental needs, the window of tolerance gets bigger, bigger and bigger.
Now some days it might be small.
And what is interesting as you work on these things, there was one day I was sitting with my boys and I hadn't had a lot of sleep.
7:32
I can't remember what was going on, but like, I hadn't been able to take care of my fundamentals because I had some stuff going on and I was feeling pretty stressed out about something else.
And they were being normal little boys and pestering one another and, and bugging each other.
And I just looked at both of them and I said, friends, my window of tolerance.
7:49
And this is a phrase we use in our home.
So they knew what that meant.
But my window of tolerance is small today.
Is this something you guys could just stop or do you think you could go in another room?
And they were like, oh, OK.
Like complete compassion, complete love.
Like, yeah, I can pester him somewhere else.
I don't have to pester him next to you.
8:05
So you don't have to be perfect and you're not going to be perfect, but it you'll start noticing that as like you take care of these fundamentals that you can see things clearly and you can start making that choice of how you want to show up in that space.
So now here's the Part 2.
8:21
So the window of tolerance, taking care of your fundamentals opens up that space.
But now what do you do with that space, right?
And that's what I want to leave you with today, something that you can take too.
So whether or not you sign up for the challenge, I'd love to have you obviously, but if you're like, it's not in the cards right now, I want you to know something you can do in that space.
8:39
And that's what I want to dive into right now.
So in that space, I want you to identify the behavior.
Super duper simple.
I've left children's behaviors into three categories.
They are annoying, appropriate, and anarchy.
8:56
Anarchy.
I'm not going to go into this one a whole lot because honestly, it's probably not happening as much as you think.
If there's a lot of anarchy in your house, we'll probably need to dive in and you need to make sure you're signing up for some sessions because we really need to dive in.
But sometimes anarchy does happen and this is behavior that a child is so out of control, but that now they are destroying things and destroying people, right?
9:19
And when I say destroying people, I don't need murder, but more than just like you're a dummy, right?
Or or maybe even a slap.
So like it's super intense.
I'm trying to kill, I'm making sure I'm pulling blood, right?
Like we've gone to complete chaos here.
So anarchy is a behavior that's completely out of control.
9:36
And I don't want to spend a whole lot of time there.
But I will give you a very simplified version that if you are a kid has that type of behavior, that the first thing, the only thing you really can do is be calm.
And if you don't have a very big window of tolerance, that is darn near impossible.
9:54
So I love trying to remember being a first responder coming into the scene of a crash, right?
So if you have been in a car crash and a paramedic shows up and they're freaking out, like, Oh my gosh, what were you doing?
Were you on your phone?
Did you run a light?
Like you're an idiot?
Like it's just like there's blood, there's glass and you're just going to make everybody's emotions even higher.
10:14
But when you have these amazing paramedics who show up at a car crash and they're like, I've got you, everything's going to be OK.
Like we're going to figure out the car crash part next.
But like right now we're going to just make sure everybody's OK, right?
Like, and if you're in a car, you're trapped.
Like we're going to get you out.
We're going to keep you safe.
Maybe we've already called an ambulance, whatever.
10:31
Like we're just going to get everybody in a safe situation.
So anarchy situation, you have to remember to stay calm and be that first responder and just get everybody safe.
So I'm just going to put that one to the side, but I want to focus on the other two behaviors because those are the most common behaviors that you are going to see with children are annoying and appropriate.
10:53
So annoying behavior, I affectionately call it this because it's behavior that bugs you, right?
Like it's a behavior that you just don't even like.
It's annoying, it's irritating, it's embarrassing it, but it doesn't actually do damage.
11:08
So a child wearing an outfit that you're like that is so embarrassing.
That's just annoying behavior.
A child singing at the top of their lungs, a child rolling their eyes, a child making a noise like that, a child the way they chew, those are all just annoying behaviors.
11:24
Siblings pestering each other is most often an annoying behavior.
Now, this doesn't mean that we can't teach appropriate behavior, but we don't want to do it in the moment, right?
So what do you do with annoying behavior?
Oh, sorry, I skipped ahead.
11:41
So then so annoying behavior, that's annoying behavior.
And the other one is appropriate behavior.
And appropriate behavior is just that.
It is the behavior that you find appropriate and you wish to see more in your kid.
So we're opening up our window of tolerance.
We're creating a space.
11:56
Children does something in that space.
We are identifying this behavior.
Is it anarchy?
Is it annoying?
Is it appropriate?
So anarchy, we put a little pin in it, but we're trying to remember to be a first responder and trying to stay calm and keep everybody safe.
But annoying behavior and appropriate behavior, what do we want to do?
12:13
What usually happens is that we ignore the appropriate behavior, like getting your school done, playing nice with your sibling, and then we get mad at annoying behavior like being loud or pestering.
Whatever you give attention to will grow.
12:30
So by giving the annoying behavior attention, the annoying behavior grows.
And by ignoring the appropriate behavior, the appropriate behavior will get smaller.
So all we're going to do is flip where you give attention.
So notice, I'm not saying you have to do more.
12:46
I'm saying just flip where you give this attention.
It's the same amount of energy.
We're just going to use it in a better way, a way that actually is going to give us the results that we want.
So for the appropriate behavior you are going to praise, you have got to be on the lookout for your children doing the things that you asked them to do to for the good, because most of the things they do actually are pretty amazing.
13:09
So you're going to take a picture of your mind.
You're going to take a picture with your phone, which is actually a really fun write it down, but you're going to actually tell them why that behavior is awesome.
A simple formula is to tell them that you notice here or see the behavior, insert an action and tie it with a quality or character trait.
13:29
So for example, you see your kids playing with the baby and you could say, Sarah, I noticed that you were playing softly with the baby.
I appreciate how gentle you are.
So we just told Sarah, I noticed, I see that you are being soft with the baby because you are a gentle person.
13:46
That's the quality or character trait.
Your words become a child's inner voice.
So when you say to your child, they start to believe that they are a gentle person.
They start to behave like a gentle person, and that behavior continues to grow.
Let's say your kid is being loud and you say, Sarah, stop it.
14:05
I can't even think you're so obnoxious.
What does Sarah start to believe about herself that she is obnoxious?
So she starts to become more and more obnoxious, difficult.
The one that I hear often too, like you're so difficult and a child lovingly just starts to believe that they are difficult and they will just do what you have been calling them.
14:26
So what do you do with annoying behavior then, right.
If a child is doing this, what do you do?
So I want to give you a couple of options.
The first one, and one that's really easy is ignore it.
So we're going to say Sarah is being loud, right?
She's being really loud.
14:43
You can ignore it.
If it feels like, no, this isn't too intense, you can put in headphones or you can walk away, right?
You don't have to sit there and listen to it.
So ignore is an option.
There are awesome quotes from Doctor Glenn Latham about when how many behaviors stop when ignored with purpose.
15:01
That usually a behavior will stop in 30 seconds and if you ignored a little bit longer, within a two couple of minutes the behavior is completely done.
So sometimes clients will even time it to see what happens.
But on the flip side, a child who is used to you intervening and used to you solving their problems can escalate with ignoring.
15:20
So you do need to.
That's why I like to give these other options as well.
So just being mindful of that.
So ignoring is the first idea.
The second one is distract the child.
So this one is so great when you were stuck in the car with kids and they are pestering their sibling like I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, right?
15:38
And you're like you are you're in my space, right?
Like whatever is going on and distract them.
This could be as simple as turning on music.
This my favorite way is just to get them talking about whatever crazy thing I want to talk about right now it's college football season and so it's like where's the standing of your favorite team?
15:57
Are you kidding me?
That's where they're ranked They should totally be rigged higher.
What games are this weekend Who's your favorite player How's your fantasy football team doing right All of these things that the kids are interested about just get them talking about it.
You have a kid into superheroes, a kid into dolls, a kid into like their best friends, whatever, just get them talking and all of a sudden this annoying behavior of distracting their sibling is completely gone and they're having a great time and everybody's during the car ride because it's not chaotic anymore.
16:26
The next one is movement.
So many annoying behaviors can be stopped by moving around.
Go outside and run around.
Let's go outside and play tag or go outside with your siblings and run around for a little bit.
Let's have a dance party in the house.
Just simply moving our bodies can completely stop an annoying behavior.
16:43
And then the last one is redirect.
So let's say Sarah is singing and it's super loud and you're like Sarah, I love your singing and your enthusiasm.
Could you please go sing this outside or somewhere in your room because I am in this room.
17:00
So is there any way you could go do something else?
So it's not like Sarah, you're a jerk.
Sarah, you're so obnoxious.
Sarah, you're the worst.
It's just like, oh this is amazing.
Let me show you an appropriate place to sing like this, right?
Or can you give me 5 minutes to finish this phone call and then sing your little heart out?
17:16
Girl, let me record you.
This is going to be amazing.
Then.
It's not like, hey, you're a little unk and I can't stand you.
It's like, hey, let me just show you when is an appropriate time.
So redirecting it in any way that helps with that.
O, I love this.
17:32
Because when a child has a behavior like this, instead of them getting told that they're annoying or difficult or they're such a pain, there's no yelling at each other.
Then nobody has to have a bad day.
Then there's no guilt on your end for yelling.
17:47
And then there's no need to go fix things with your kids and try to make amends and apologize.
And I'm so sorry.
Now we have to repair this by not yelling.
It just makes your life easier because I don't have to put in all this time and all this energy to fix what happens every time I yell.
18:05
Also, because now I'm putting in these amazing character traits.
You are so kind.
You're great at taking initiative.
You're such a hard worker and a kid is believing this and they are acting that way like I am awesome.
I am a hard worker.
I do really cool things.
I can push through when things get difficult.
18:21
Then they start showing up with more and more appropriate behavior.
And then when they're humanists, we are all annoying in our own ways, then we can have compassion and love for them.
And I even love like, not only just ignore the noise, but embrace the noise because as I'm painfully aware of the noise gets quieter and I miss it, right?
18:40
And so just even embracing that noise.
So a quick recap of today.
Open up your window of tolerance by taking care of your most basic fundamental needs.
As you do that, you find the space between stimulus and response.
In that space decide is this behavior annoying, appropriate, or anarchy?
19:01
That when you have identified the behavior you will know the best course of action.
As you continue to do this, it happens faster and faster and also the annoying behavior decreases and the appropriate behavior increases.
Friends, I hope that this episode has been so helpful to have some tools to help you to succeed just in life.
19:21
No Yell November.
If you were wanting to be a part of the challenge and get even more help, I would love to have you come to www.coachmegthomas.com, sign up for the No Yell November Challenge, win some awesome prizes, and have a lot of fun hanging out with me.
Friends love you all and talk to you next week.
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