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0:02
Hello, welcome to episode 272 called the Home School Teaching your kids boundaries.
OK friends, just as a reminder, I am doing a free homeschool event event this week Thursday night.
I am helping you build a very sure and strong foundation for yourself.
0:23
And I will also be giving away September's lesson plans.
So I'm really excited about doing this.
I'm always on a mission to help you to be able to homeschool long term, help you to make it as fun and as doable and as manageable as possible.
So I'm really excited to really talk about some of those foundational steps of how to take care of yourself so that you can show up how you want to show up.
0:46
And then also let's like makes home school easy in that first month, right?
And get some free lesson plans.
So if you can't make it live, no worries.
I will always record these and send it out to you, send out the lesson plans out to you.
And I'll be going over the lesson plans live.
1:01
So that's going to be a lot of fun.
You can register from my Instagram coach, Meg Thomas.
It's in my bio right over there in Instagram.
So I can't wait to see you there.
Well, I wanted to talk to you about some things with parenting today.
I am obviously a huge fan of learning how to really connect with your kids.
1:20
And when you build this amazing connection, your children are just more open and receptive to your teaching house.
However, sometimes people believe that I'm saying connection is passive parenting, and I am not suggesting that in any way, shape or form.
1:39
We often see two extremes in parenting.
We have the passive parent and the strict parent, right?
That really dictator, authoritative type of parenting.
And I kind of wanted to address these two different styles and then maybe talk about something different.
1:55
So first I'm going to talk about passive parenting and what are some of the downsides of passive parenting?
First of all, there's a lack of structure.
When there is lack of structure, children suffer because children thrive on routine and clear expectations.
2:15
Passive parenting can result in an absence of structure, making it hard for children to develop self-discipline and organizational skills.
Which honestly, it just really starts creating chaos because there's no real structure.
It's just like, what are we going to be doing right?
And so I usually, that one usually ends up with your house feeling very chaotic.
2:37
Let's see.
Passive parenting then also creates behavioral issues, right?
Without clear boundaries and consistent parenting, children may struggle with understanding the consequences of their actions, leading to behavioral problems both at home and in social settings, right?
2:53
Because they're not.
They can jump on the walls, jump on the walls, jump off the bounce off the walls.
That's the phrase bounce off the walls, jump on the couches.
They can just be wild and crazy.
And so obviously that's going to cause some major behavioral issues because then they're going to go out in public and want to do the same things and it's going to affect them there.
3:14
And also, children learn social skills from parents.
So passive parenting can result in children missing out on learning important social cues, right, and how to build healthy relationships.
Because sometimes with passive parenting, there just isn't a lot of parenting with like saying like, OK, hey, it's time for bed.
3:33
And the kids saying like, I don't really want to.
And it's like, well, I want to be nice.
So like, OK, well, you tell me when you feel like it, right?
So it's like not really giving them cues of like, hey, we need to listen to some of these things.
So that really effects them.
So those are just some of the things.
So then people go to the other extreme like, well, my kids.
3:52
And a lot of times with passive parenting, your kids don't even listen to you, right?
And a lot of times they don't even respect you because it's like they don't really care.
And so you're going to get some issues with that.
So then people are like, OK, so passive parenting doesn't work.
I guess I need to go to the authoritative parent, that really strict parent.
4:10
That must be the answer.
That must will be what will work.
Does that work?
No, there are consequences of being a strict parent, being way too strict, reduced self esteem.
Children of strict parents often feel their self worth is contingent on their performance at adherence to rules.
4:29
This can lead to so low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, right?
So when you have a parent who's really strict, yelling, really angry, right, a child is like, oh, I've got to be good.
I've got to be the best.
That creates a lot of people pleasers, right?
And then they're just feeling very inadequate, like I've got to be the best in all of these things.
4:46
And so that that can affect their self esteem.
Overly strict parenting can stifle a child's independence and decision making skills.
Right, Because I just tell you what to do.
So a children may struggle to make choices or solve problems on their own.
Increased anxiety and stress.
5:02
The constant pressure to meet high expectations can cause significant stress and anxiety in children.
This also is fear of like what's going to happen if I mess up, if I make a mistake, if I break something, that stress, that anxiety of like I'm going to get yelled at, I'm going to get whacked, I'm going to get hurt, right?
5:18
And so like, I can't, if I, I have to lie because I can't get in trouble, right?
So like that really high anxiety and stress in them poor social skills.
So strict parenting is not funny that the it's poor social skills on both of the things right to that strict parenting can affect how you form healthy relationships.
5:39
Right of just waiting.
Maybe sometimes you find somebody else who treat you that way or you treat other people that way and people don't like to be treated that way.
Rebellion and resentment.
Now this is one I see.
It's so funny, Not funny.
It's just an observation that I will see rebellious children, myself included.
5:58
I was very rebellious and just like a parent, like I don't know why they're so rebellious.
And often that parent has been really, really strict.
And so children of strict parents will often rebel against like how intense things have been.
6:14
They can also resent them causing long term relational issues, communication bearers barriers because there's been no open communication right of just between the parent and the child.
So it can cause a lot of interesting things and you want to know what's fascinating.
6:30
I studied years ago between passive parenting and this really strict parenting and both of them create almost the same results.
A child's feeling low self esteem, a child not having great social skills.
It even could be rebellious on both ends because of passive parents.
6:47
Sometimes you have a child who will be rebellious, like they'll let me do whatever they want.
Nobody's going to say no.
So why not go do all these wild and crazy things, right?
So you can get rebellious kids from both of them, people pleasers, right?
So a lot of times it just creates the same problem.
You just went about it in a different way.
7:03
One of you was like, oh, just do what you want or like, I just don't have the energy to do it passive.
You could even, I don't I, I'm going to say this, but I don't want it to be.
I know we use this word as a like a derogatory term, but I think it's a great way to also describe because you have passives as far as like, do whatever you want, be wild and free.
7:22
But lazy parenting is another word for it.
Like I don't have the energy for you.
I don't want to do this.
And they neither of these work being really passive or being really strict just don't work.
So what do we do?
We want to be more in the middle.
7:38
We'll never be perfectly in the middle, right?
But we want to not swing so far on the pendulum that we're as much in the middle as possible.
And I like to call this being an intentional parent.
And so yes, working on connection.
But a big piece of this is also giving children boundaries.
7:58
Giving a child boundaries is loving.
Here are some of the things that boundaries teach children.
It provides security and safety.
Boundaries help children understand what is safe and what is not.
8:14
Helping them understand limits helps them to feel secure, reduces anxiety and fear.
It teaches self-discipline.
Boundaries help children learn self-control and discipline.
By understanding the limits set for them, they can develop the ability to manage their own behavior and make responsible choices.
8:32
Now with that, I do want to add in making sure that we're not then going into controlling because that's swinging back to the strict parenting, right?
But just helping them set limits.
And a lot of times when they're little, we're probably going to set those limits, but as they grow, setting the limits with them.
8:47
So is that a curfew?
What do you think to be a curfew?
And if you have a kid who's like 1:00 AM, you're like, well, actually I was thinking 10.
So why don't we come somewhere in the middle, Like maybe we could do 11:30 or something.
This is an older teen, obviously, but start working with them and giving them a boundary of like, this is when we're going to be home.
9:08
Promotes respect.
Setting and enforcing boundaries teaches children to respect others limits and understand the concept of mutual respect.
This is essential for healthy relationships throughout their lives.
Encourages responsibility.
9:25
When children know the rules and the consequences of breaking them, they learn to take responsibility for their actions.
This fosters accountability in a sense of personal responsibility.
I like to think of this is the same as a video game or a board game.
9:40
When you're playing a game like that, let's say I'll use old school stuff, Super Mario Brothers, that you're going and you know, if Mario falls into the hot lava, your guy dies, right?
And you may be frustrated and you may be angry because you like, we're hoping you could pass this level and you didn't, but you know, you can try again.
9:59
You know it's not the end of the world, right?
And you continue to play the game because you understand the rules of the game, even though sometimes you lose the game.
So when a child understands the rules and the boundaries in the home, that's how they can start taking responsibility for their actions is because they understand it is a very clear line.
10:18
Like this is our boundary.
So let's say you have a, a hard curfew line that's like our curfew is 10:30 Monday through Thursdays, again for teens and a child, like letting him know, hey, if you come home late, we do have a little bit of a window or something happens, you can call us.
10:33
But if you don't call us, you're more than 15 minutes late, then you will lose the privilege of going out with your friends the next day or you have to get up in the morning and do a chore or whatever you want to come up with your kids, right?
It helps them to take personal responsibility for their life because they are the one who made the choice to stay out later, right?
10:54
And then this is where we need to be careful to add in the lecture.
You would have just not come home later.
You wouldn't have to lose your privileges and you could be going out with friends tonight, right?
But like in a video game, they just, they play sad music when your guy dies, like in Super Mario Brothers, right?
11:12
But like, there's nobody there that comes onto the screen and Princess Peach doesn't show up.
Like, listen, Mario, if you would have got your head into the game and played a little bit harder, we wouldn't be in the situation.
No, you just get to try over again.
So the same idea with you as you being an intentional parent is like, I can still keep a connection and I can hold a clear boundary.
11:30
Like, oh friend, darn it, you lost your phone privileges today.
I like it.
Was everything OK?
Maybe I can ask some clarifying questions.
Make sure check in, everything's all right.
And I can say, oh, sorry, you lost your privileges, whatever that looks like in your family.
So build self esteem.
11:46
Clear boundaries provide a framework within which children can succeed.
Knowing what is expected of them helps them achieve goals and build confidence, supports emotional regulation boundaries help children learn to manage their emotions by understanding acceptable behavior and coping mechanisms, they can beggar better regulate their feelings and actions.
12:06
Right.
So if you have a parent who is really passive and a child's like screaming and freaking out and and hucking things, maybe a passive parents looks the other way, doesn't want to deal with it or like, OK, like let's get through the meadows, whatever.
Like doesn't really want to basically your head's in the sand, right?
12:23
You don't want to really look at it.
A strict parent, if a kid's having an emotional meltdown is like, I'll give you something to cry about or you'll knock it off or I'm going to slap you or I'm going to yell at you and I'm going to use fear to get you to stop.
But when you have a clear boundary and you're teaching this from the space of love and connection of This is why we're going to learn to manage our emotions.
12:43
So when we go to a store, we're not throwing a big fit.
We're not doing these things.
I even have things as clear as If you and your sibling are fighting during the day, you are free to make that choice.
But that means that the consequence of that choice is that you cannot go with the neighbor kids or the neighbor kids can't come over.
13:02
Because if you can't learn how to treat your sibling with respect, then it's not safe for you to send, to send you to the neighbor kids because you may be disrespectful to them and that's not fair to them and their family, right?
So a very clear boundary.
This is how we treat our sibling, a very clear consequence.
13:18
You won't be able to go with your friends, right?
This can be from a space of love and they can be frustrated and sad.
I don't need to give a lecture.
I can just hold space for them to do that.
And then they get to take the full responsibility of like, well, I'm the one who chose to harass my brother, right?
And when we don't intervene when they're feeling upset, set and don't like give him a lecture when we do, like, just so you know, when you do give a lecture, like, hey, knock it off.
13:43
I said not to do that.
And now look what's going to happen.
You, you lost all these privileges.
Now they're mad at you.
And just like my mom is so mean to me.
She's always so after me.
And when you just hold space lovingly of this firm boundary, I have seen it time and time and time again.
14:00
I have so much stinking proof that a child may be frustrated with you in that moment, but when you don't make child will take full responsibility and come back with I'm so sorry.
14:20
I knew better, darn it.
And they they teach themselves because they had such a clear boundary and it really fosters independence.
While boundaries provide structure, they also encourage children to navigate within those limits, promoting independence and problem solving skills.
14:40
And the last one talking about why boundaries are so awesome.
Is it because it reduces conflict?
Who would have want less conflict in their home, right?
Clear boundaries reduce misunderstandings and conflicts within the family.
Everyone knows what is expected, leading to a more harmonious environment.
15:00
What I sometimes see is that a parent doesn't want to yell at their kid, which is awesome, but they don't know what to do.
Instead they go to this passive parenting or this lazy parenting, right?
But as an intentional parent, you work on connecting with your kid and you have those darn boundaries.
15:17
So you just like the things I see with boundaries.
And I know I some coaches are like, I don't want to talk about boundaries is because it can easily turn into control.
Like I have a boundary here and I have a boundary here and I have a boundary here and it becomes too much.
And now it's about control.
15:34
And like, so maybe if you are thinking of a boundary, like, Hey, we, you don't scream in my face or like we don't talk to mom this way.
And then it's like, well, now you also can't make that sigh because that sigh is really annoying.
15:49
Like, oh, and you also can't roll your eyes.
Like now we're getting really controlling, right?
But when we have a boundary about safety or teaching you from a place of love, it is very, very different.
So just being careful and mindful with that.
Boundaries with a child are about teaching them, teaching them proper social skills and about safety, not control, right?
16:11
So if you have a team and you have a boundary with a time that they are going to be home that you have created together, that is usually about safety so that you're not out all night long.
For me too, it's also about their mental health to encourage positive habits by not being out super late all night or other boundaries with phones of keeping them safe and once again, helping their mental health, right?
16:34
So they are about those social skills.
So maybe some boundaries with screaming or yelling, throwing things, breaking things, and then the boundaries about safety.
So setting very clear and consistent, mind you, consistent boundaries and then consequences to those boundaries.
16:52
Now consequences is interesting because sometimes we think like all consequences are super harsh, right?
Like you better do this or you're going to get whacked, right?
But it's like, no, if, like consequences can just be so natural and so age appropriate, right?
17:07
So if you're going to fight with your brother, you just lose this opportunity and you don't need to dive drive it in.
There's an interesting parenting book.
I can't remember it off the top of my head, but it was talking about being very clear.
Like a lot of times we want to be so positive that we're like, no running, no hitting.
17:23
We don't want to say those.
We want to say walk couches are for sitting.
And, and I'm, I, I do say stuff like that too, but like sometimes we need to be clear with like a boundary in our home is not to hit your sibling, right?
And then what is the consequence with that boundary?
And so it may just be like you have to go cool down or, or something like that.
17:43
I don't like associating a, a job with it.
I know he said as an example, this is the first thing that came off my head earlier in the podcast.
But like, I don't like saying, Hey, you broke this boundary.
You have to do extra chores because it doesn't allow for humanness, right?
17:59
And so if you think about it, if a boundary is like going to work, I go to work, I get paid.
If I don't go to work, I don't get paid.
I can be mad at the boss, but everybody just knows the rules of the game.
They just know like, ah, darn it, this paycheck is going to be so small because I didn't work a ton this last week.
18:15
Same idea of I live within these boundaries.
I get positive reinforcement.
I get love whatever you get love no matter what, right?
But like, I get all these privileges and it's amazing.
I choose not to stay within these boundaries.
18:32
I don't get paid, just like the pay going to work, right?
And when it's very clear of what it is, then a child can be frustrated.
But a lot of time they learn to be frustrated with their own actions instead of making it mean something about you.
Sorry, those of you on YouTube can see that I have this one darn fly.
18:49
And for some reason it just wants to be a little all over me right now.
So I'm just continuing to swat at that.
So it is summertime and we have farm animals and our neighbors have farm animals, so we have lots of flies.
But just really setting very clear things that you can be consistent with because you want to be consistent so your child knows what to expect.
19:10
Because if sometimes they come home late and you're like, well, it's fine, Let kids be kids.
Not a big deal.
They're like, oh, I can just keep pushing that and I don't have to really worry about it.
But if you consistently like, oh darn, that stinks.
You can't go out tomorrow night.
Oh well, right.
19:26
Like, and not having a lot of drama with it, but being very consistent with it.
They, they learn like, Oh my, my mom, my parent, they're very serious about this boundary, right?
So you can have boundaries with whatever you feel like you need to have boundaries, just being careful that it doesn't become this dictatorship strictness, right?
19:46
Like it's in the middle between strict parent and passive parent.
So just being careful that with boundaries that we're not leaning on that strict side of like, oh great, I can control everything that they do, right?
So that's why I like to say a boundaries are a lot of times about keeping them safe and possibly some social skills, right?
20:03
So we have boundaries with screens.
That there are no screens in the room, just a boundary.
That would be a great one.
Let's see.
So sometimes I hear things with like how a child talks to you and I did say like a boundary without yelling.
20:20
So it's interesting because just by my husband and I not yelling, our kids don't yell.
So I don't even have to have a boundary with that.
So there is this is one I do hear a lot with like that my child cannot talk to me this way.
You get to decide with that with if with yelling and whatnot, I probably would have a boundary.
20:39
Like I said, your example and how you and your husband speak in your home is probably your child will mimic that behavior.
But things like and the eye rolls, right, The people like they, that is so disrespectful.
I don't think so.
I think if that is a way that they're expressing that they're annoyed and frustrated.
20:56
Just like sometimes you're like, oh, I have to go wash the dishes.
And if your spouse was like, Hey, knock it off.
What a privilege it is to wash these dishes and the family that you have, you like, Oh my gosh, leave me alone, right?
So being careful with the way a child talks or or does different things like that.
21:14
So maybe like that's when safety.
I'd probably do things like that or just like screaming in a face.
I've just like, hey, this is not OK.
And that boundary can literally be like the consequences to a child screaming is I'm going to walk away.
This is about me keeping myself safe.
21:30
If you're trying to hit or hurt something, I'm just going to walk away.
I don't need to hit and hurt back like you like this punk, right?
That consequence can be so simple as I'm going to walk away when you're calm.
I'd love to be with you, but I don't want to be with you when you're treating me this way, right?
It can be so simple like that.
21:48
So when we are creating these boundaries with our children, we want to remember to teach them when there things are calm.
Family meeting is a brilliant way to do this.
If you feel like these are some boundaries, like you need to have some clear boundaries in your house, I'm teaching what is the appropriate way we talk to each other in the home, letting them know if they do yell, what would the consequence be?
22:07
But like creating this together as a family, are these things that we need to do?
Why do we need these things and what are consequences to them?
And we don't need to have big major consequences.
Like I could say, I'm just going to leave.
I'm not going to help.
I'm not going to to tolerate anybody yelling at me.
I'm just going to walk away, right.
You took a phone in your room.
22:24
OK, I, I take your phone.
It's not the end of the world, right?
Simple things like this with him.
And so model like or just a huge reminder this to model the appropriate behavior first.
If you have a boundary for the way that you want your children to talk to you, then you better be talking to them that way.
22:47
That means if you don't want them to yell at you, then don't yell at them, right?
Your example will be huge if you have boundaries.
Now I know for me, I don't like my own phone in my bedroom, but there are different boundaries for what's OK with the four adults have different boundaries right than children.
23:05
But in your marriage, you have different boundaries, right, of things that maybe you're OK with or not OK with.
Like these are things we don't go on dates with other people the opposite gender.
Some people don't even text people the opposite gender.
Sometimes they have a friend, the FYI, need to talk to the husband.
23:21
He'll put his wife on the text chain or put my husband on the text chain.
And even though he just needs to talk to me, right?
Because he's like, we just don't even mess with that.
That is a boundary we have in our marriage.
Fantastic, right?
So modeling that the appropriate behavior, modeling understanding boundaries within your own life and and doing those things for them.
23:41
Another thing is using that positive reinforcement praise is huge, right?
So when they do respect a boundary, put your time and attention into praising that.
You are so amazing.
Thank you for coming home on time.
You're so great about turning your phone in at night and not ever bring getting into your room.
Thank you so much.
23:57
I appreciate that.
I love how soft you are with your brother.
You're so good with this.
You're so amazing when you praise that, that like you're so amazing, you're staying within these boundaries.
Guess what?
And we're like what?
This isn't about control.
And we're working together and we have a strong connection.
24:12
Children will respect these boundaries and will work with you.
Remember to be consistent, right?
So that it's not like, well, sometimes you can do this and sometimes you can't do this.
But if you consistently like, these are the boundaries on our home and you consistently enforce those things, children will learn, oh, this is the culture of our home.
24:31
We don't do these types of things in our home.
And finally, be patient and understanding.
You're teaching them skills.
It's an ongoing process.
So being patient and understanding as your child learns and occasionally or maybe sometimes at the beginning, a lot makes mistakes.
Use these moments as opportunities for teaching and for growth.
24:50
As you continue to work with your kids and give them loving boundaries, you will help them learn appropriate behavior in a safe and loving way.
All right, friends, I hope to see you at the home school event tomorrow night, Thursday night, and I'd love to have you there.
And if not, I will talk to you next week.
25:07
Have a great one.
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