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0:03
Hello and welcome to Call the Home School episode #269 Marriage Advice.
Well today is a very exciting day at the Thomas household because my son is getting married.
0:20
He is the first of my kids to get married and I am absolutely thrilled.
Couldn't be more delighted with the lovely woman that he is marrying.
Also, on a side note, I cannot tell you how thankful and grateful I am with all the extra time I got with him from homeschooling.
0:38
We started homeschooling when he was kindergarten age so I was probably 5 years old and just all the extra time I got with him because of homeschooling.
So I wouldn't trade that time for anything because adulthood comes way too stinking fast.
Also, next week is my 24th wedding anniversary and so I thought it would be fun to do a full episode on marriage.
1:04
At one time I actually wanted to include more marriage tipping advice into my coaching, but I knew parenting was where I was supposed to be and so it's something that I still feel very passionate about.
Of helping you build your relationship with your spouse.
Just like I want you to build a relationship with your kids.
1:21
Because friends.
Home schooling is a part time job, meaning that eventually your babies do grow up, as four of mine have done, despite my best efforts to keep them home.
No, but for reals though, four of mine have grown up.
1:36
They're adults, they're moving out, they getting married, creating families of their own, going after their own dreams.
And so even though I still have three kids at home, two of them are teens and are out doing different things.
And sometimes, oh, and a lot of the kids will take our bonus baby with him.
1:53
And so my husband and I are finding ourselves alone more and more together without our kids.
So, so different.
Just remembering that this relationship with your spouse, how important it is that yes, the relationship with your children is important, but the relationship with your spouse needs to be continued to be strengthened as you are homeschooling.
2:12
Because eventually you are going to be just them with you and your husband.
And I hope you like the person that you married and still know who that person is.
And not just that we're living two completely separate different lives.
Like I homeschool, I run the house, you provide the money and we don't really even talk to each other.
2:28
We don't do anything like that.
So I really wanted to do an episode today about homeschooling.
I'm homeschooling about marriage of some tips of things you can do.
So my husband and I, like I said, got married 24 years ago on the 15th and I was very young at the ripe old age of 19 and my husband was 23 years old.
2:53
We have no regrets of getting married young.
We love that we got married young.
It was the right age for us and told all of our kids there is no right age to get married.
Some people wish they wouldn't have got married young.
Some people wish they would have got married young.
Some people love that they waited.
Some people wish they wouldn't have waited.
3:09
There's only the right age for you and the person you're marrying, so there is no right age.
I always like to remind my kids that it's just the right age for you.
When we got married, bless my husband's heart, I was such a hot mess.
I had no idea of how to have an appropriate relationship, how to be a Good Wife, to to be kind, any of those things.
3:32
Within the first five months of being married, that's when I had my serious suicide attempts.
I was hospitalized twice for those.
Let's be completely honest, I was a very angry and very mean wife.
And to my husband's ever loving credit, he stayed.
I've asked him so many times, like why in those first few months I hadn't, I wasn't pregnant, we didn't have any babies.
3:53
And he's just so sweet.
And just like I always knew who you were, I always saw, I, I always knew the woman you were and you just needed to heal and that I knew that this wasn't who you really were.
So he's the sweetest, he'll always be my favorite.
And throughout the years, our marriage just slowly just gotten better.
4:10
It was obviously very rough in those first years when I was dealing with past trauma and tried to healing from that and trying to figure things out.
But it just continues to get better and now remind you we are not perfect because he is human and I am human.
4:25
And so we we're not perfect.
We still try to figure things out, still try to be understanding, still have misunderstandings, all of those things, but really learning how to work together more often.
I love that there's no yelling in a relationship.
4:40
I remember the last time I yelled at him, it was like years ago and I was like, I'm never doing this again.
And I actually went and got help for PTSD and really helping me take care of my fundamentals.
And so I have been able to do a lot better with those things.
4:57
So as I was thinking about what marriage advice I could share today, it is actually the same advice I would give somebody with their kid.
So I'm going to be sharing with you 4 things to do that will help you in your marriage and four things not to do.
5:13
And if these things sound familiar, it is because they are pretty much the same thing that I teach you with your kids.
So the first thing of what to do in order to create an amazing marriage to to love more on your spouse, all of those things is to be in control of yourself.
5:35
So this means to stop taking your spouse's actions, words, anything like that so personally, right?
And quit making it mean something about you, your spouse, leaving shoes on the door, on the door, leaving shoes by the door, making a mess, whatever it is that they do, that you're like, this is so annoying and you have to get mad at them.
6:00
And you're so angry, right?
You need to be in control of yourself.
It is not anybody else's job to make you happy, to make you feel any certain way.
It is your job.
The second thing is to love your husband.
6:18
Look for the good and tell him friends, husbands need to be appreciated too.
Just like you want to be appreciated, husbands also want to be appreciated.
So you can see when a husband goes to work and he comes home and if he were greeted, greeted with why didn't you do this?
6:36
I asked you to do this and why didn't you do this, that he's probably shut down, doesn't really want to connect with you, doesn't really want to talk to you because what am I going to get in trouble for?
Just like a kid would.
But if he comes home and you're like, I missed you today, you are the best that you go and work for our family and you're such an amazing provider and I just appreciate you so much.
6:56
Then look around for the things they do do like, oh, thank you for washing your own dishes and putting them away.
You're just so helpful with me.
Thanks for playing with the kids while I took a nap and you went on a nice walk with them so I could just sleep.
You are so thoughtful to me.
I know you have long days too and you still make sure that I'm OK.
7:14
Thank you for whatever.
I noticed this about you.
I notice you're so patient with people.
I see that you are so exhausted and you are still hanging out with the family.
I just love you.
I appreciate you.
This goes does so much good to just point out the good things about them.
7:36
Now this is not to pretend that you don't ever have to have a conversation.
Maybe if it's something serious like hey, I'm a little bit concerned about something right?
But most of the time we can just sit and focus on the good because when we focus on the good, what happens?
The good grows.
So look for the good in your husband.
7:53
If you are really struggling, write it down.
Start writing down like OK, what's something good my husband does?
That's what if it's like we have running water because he pays our bills or he goes and works and so we can live in a house.
He cooks, he helps with the kids.
8:11
Maybe your husband helps in the home school, maybe he does the yard work.
Whatever it is, look for the good of what he's doing and tell him, tell him how much you appreciate him.
And you can do this in a way too.
That is beautiful of almost forecasting what good people they are.
8:26
And you do this with your kids.
So easy, right?
And husbands are just the same.
We're that sounded like I was calling them a child, but we're all people are the same as this that like as we tell them good things about themselves, they continue to start believing that and start behaving in that way, right.
So like you're so sweet.
8:43
You're you do the most thoughtful things for me, right.
Whatever it is that you really want to see that and encourage that type of behavior, just sit and tell them about it.
Tell them that's the kind of person that they are and they really become that person truly.
Another thing to do is to set your husband up to win.
9:01
Don't set them up to fail right of like if you set them up to win, being very open and honest with birthdays, holidays, anniversaries of like I would like this or I bought myself this.
Thank you.
It was from you.
Don't say just get me something and then be super disappointed with them, right.
9:19
Set them up to win.
Be very clear with them.
This is my expectation with this and expectations are interesting because you can get really controlling really fast.
Like well, I had these expectations that you sat by me, that you talked to me that you didn't anything.
So it's not an expectation as like I'm going to control you.
9:36
But even just setting them up to win of being very clear of hey, when we go to this event, I would like you to talk with me, like have me by your side just because I don't know anybody and I'm a little bit nervous.
So I'm going to be very clear with you what it is I would like from you and setting up to win versus going to an event and not telling them you would like them to hang out with you a little bit more and then get really mad at them on the way home.
10:01
Like, well, you should just know nobody can read your mind.
Husbands can't.
You can't read your husband's mind.
And so husbands are honestly very simple creatures.
So set them up to win.
Don't make them read your mind.
Don't make them guess.
Don't.
Like if you are upset about something, I mean, there's just so many memes and reels about like, I don't have to tell them why I'm upset.
10:21
I can just be upset.
Like, no, be an adult.
Just tell him set him up to win.
The fourth thing is to ignore the stuff that doesn't matter.
So ignore.
10:37
Maybe he sucks on the floor.
So ought to feel like, why is it so hard for my husband to put his clothes in the hamper?
If that's something that you get hung up on, right?
And it's so interesting because you, I'm willing to bet good money you also have things that are annoying.
And maybe your husband just doesn't say.
Maybe he does say, I don't know, but everybody does things that are a little bit annoying and when we sit and point those annoying things out, what does it do to the other person that shuts them down?
11:01
So if somebody's like wow, you are really obnoxious when you do XYZ, people get started to get nervous.
Am I like this?
I don't know, maybe I'm a bad person, maybe and and start like, why are they attacking me for this?
Whatever that looks like.
So in for them ignoring the stuff that doesn't matter.
11:19
Is it really the end of the world?
My husband was so good at this.
He has quite the way with words and I'd get really hung up on like this has to be done today.
And he would like, why, Meg, if we don't get it done today, do we die?
Do we?
Does our marriage end right?
11:34
Of like, why are you making this a deal when it's not?
And I thought, I don't know, I don't know why I'm making this a big deal, right?
So just really learning to ignore the stuff that doesn't matter, the maybe the messes, maybe whatever it is.
And like I said, you can totally have a conversation with somebody, but do you need to?
11:52
Is it helpful, right.
Is it really such a problem that you need to have a big argument or disagreement about something?
Because a lot of times you can just ignore the stuff that doesn't matter.
It's been fun as we worked on these things.
I don't know the last time.
Well, I do know the last time we had a fight was years ago, so when I yelled.
12:10
But before that we had done pretty well and it was interesting.
We've gone years now without a fight.
Doesn't mean we haven't ever disagreed, but we've learned how to be respectful to each other's when we disagree.
Like, OK, maybe you might be right.
Like I don't need to fight with you about this.
12:26
Life is way too short to fight.
So really learning to ignore that stuff that just doesn't matter.
There's no reason if it's not a problem in a few days or not a problem in a week, is it really worth something bringing up?
So that's some of the four things to what to do.
12:42
And now there's also four things to not do.
Absolutely no yelling, hitting, throwing objects, hurting, doing anything like that.
It's so interesting.
I, I should have looked up the statistic before, but the statistic of women who are violent to their husband is so high, but husbands don't turn in wives.
13:07
I know people that they've the husband's been being abused for a while and they just kind of take it, but then a cop witnessed it and she's gotten put in jail, right.
And so, so often women are like, well, he's bigger and stronger.
So I can do these types of things.
Absolutely no, there's no reason to yell, hit, hurt, attack or do anything like that to your husband.
13:31
The only, the only thing would be is in self-defense.
And then you got much bigger issues if like you have to do that for self-defense, right.
So if you're truly trying to build a relationship, be nice, right?
Don't do these things where you they are.
13:48
Maybe you physically can't hurt them.
You could with an object, right?
So maybe you couldn't like beat them in a fistfight.
But a lot of times the husband will just sit there and wipes will slap or they'll kick or they'll throw things, punch things and husband will just sit there 'cause they know they could physically overtake you and they don't want to hurt you, right?
14:03
So that's part of the being in control of yourself so that you're not yelling, hitting, freaking out, doing all those things.
And that may be you learning to walk away.
That's where for me, I had to go get up with PTSD and learning about my nervous system and how to reset my nervous system and get grounded and really, really take responsibility for my own actions and not putting it on anybody else.
14:27
And so absolutely no with those things.
The next one is stop being critical, right?
You need to do this.
You need to do this.
Like, there's a reason there are jokes about wife being naggers, right?
That they just nag about this and nag about this.
14:43
And there's this terrible poem, but it always makes me giggle.
It's in an old Mother Goose book we got, and it says needles and pins, needles and pins.
When a man marries, his troubles begin.
And often it's because they can't do anything, right.
Let's see if anything is like, I used to be able to drive until I got married.
15:01
And then I found like, I do everything wrong.
I used to be able to take care of myself pretty well until I got married, and now apparently I don't do anything right?
Right.
There's a reason for jokes like that, and it's because women can get so critical with their husbands.
15:16
You don't do anything right.
You're so dumb with this.
You're so terrible with this.
Stop.
Stop doing it.
Be nice.
You would never want anybody to treat you that way.
So don't be treating your spouse that way.
It's interesting because sometimes women are yelling, hitting, being really critical, and then their husbands are distant or they don't really want to help.
15:33
But it's like, see, he never does anything.
It's like, 'cause you're kind of scary.
Why would he want to, right?
So really looking at not being so critical.
This one I kind of mentioned earlier too, but don't take their actions personally.
And that's part of being in control of yourself.
15:49
But if they want to go with their friends, they want to go golfing, they want to try to watch the sports thing, they play video games, whatever it is, you don't need to take it so personally.
Once again, it doesn't mean that you can't have a conversation.
If you're like, hey, I'm a little bit concerned.
16:06
You've been going golfing every weekend and I just, I don't know that that's working.
Maybe we can work out a balance.
Like you can totally have a conversation.
But remember, it's always about like when people have an action, it's about what they are making something mean.
So if your husband is checking out every single night on video games, it's not about you, It's about something that he is going through.
16:26
And I think a more loving action would be is to get curious.
I notice you're, you are playing video games every night and you're saying that pretty late.
Are you OK?
Is there, is there anything like you need to talk about?
Right?
And then maybe you will get a conversation of like, I'm so stressed out of my mind and this is like the only thing that is calming me down.
16:45
Once again, you can always have a conversation, but just remember it is a their actions are about what they are going through and what they are making it mean.
It is not a direct attack against you.
OK.
And then the 4th one is stop trying to make them be something they are not, right?
17:06
And so this is trying to like looking at what we would say, like Instagram, perfect husbands, social media sometimes makes things look like somebody's like husband's like, here's all the money you want and you don't have to lift a finger.
And I have a, a maid and a cook or, or all the things like I want him to sweep me off my feet and I want him to just a dote on me all the time.
17:28
And when we do that, we don't look at all the good that they do do.
So if you have a really handy husband, maybe he's not buying you flowers all the time, but he's fixing everything around the house for you.
Maybe you have the opposite.
Like he, he doesn't fix things around the house, but he's like, but I'll hire you somebody who will because I, I don't and I don't have the time or I just don't like it when you are trying to make them be somebody else.
17:53
It's so interesting because you're sending signals to that person like, I don't love you the way you are.
I'd love you if you were like this.
And it really just shuts people down or people will try to do that, but it's a moving target.
And you will forever being like, well, now if you'll just do this now, if you'll just do this, and then I'll be happy with our marriage.
18:09
And then I like you.
And it's a moving target and it gets really old for on both parties, right?
And so by doing these things, it doesn't mean that your spouse is all of a sudden going to be the most perfect human on this planet.
18:24
They will still be a human.
They will still make mistakes.
But it helps when we really love somebody at this level.
I've seen this so often with children and I see it all the time with spouses.
But when we really focus on loving them, being in control of ourselves, telling them how they're awesome, setting them up to win, ignoring stuff that doesn't matter, Stop with being negative and critical.
18:47
That love helps that person to become the best version of themselves.
That allows that space for them to feel safe, to really be open and vulnerable with who they are.
So wherever you are in your marriage, in your relationship, anything you have going on, try one of these things.
19:04
Maybe it's one of the simple ones, right where it's like, OK, I can be in control of myself, which also actually you're like, no, no, Nick, that's so hard because that means I can't yell or be critical.
So pick something on here that feels really easy to you.
Like maybe I can compliment my husband.
19:22
Maybe I can tell him something was good when he comes home at night, do I light up?
I love thinking about this is so funny.
I make so many comparisons to animals, but like training a child, like training a dog.
But think about when people come home and a dog is so excited to see them.
19:39
Are you that excited to see your husband?
Like I am so excited to see you and you light up when you see them.
And like, yes, there are issues and yes, we need to figure things out.
Always there's a kid crying or this is going on, but like for that moment, it's just us.
I love you.
How was your day, right?
19:54
And maybe they can't give you the whole day, but just that light up, that hug, that kiss, I love you.
I'm all in on this.
Right.
So wherever you are in your marriage, try maybe some of these things, one or a few of these things and just watch.
Just remember that homeschooling doesn't last forever.
20:14
And eventually it will just be you and your spouse.
And to continue to work on that relationship with your spouse so that one day when the kids have left, that there is something there that you guys can continue to be happy, to be thriving, and that you guys continue to have an amazing life.
20:34
Love you so much.
Make sure you check the Instagram if you want to check out, check out any of the wedding pictures for my son.
Super exciting day.
So love you so much.
Talk to you next week.
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