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#267 The Biggest Obstacle

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0:02

Hello, you are listening to called the Homeschool episode #267 The Biggest Obstacle.

How are you doing today my friends?

Just a couple of items of business.

Real quick, I just want to remind you that I have the free download of your guide to start homeschooling and this is set up to help you create that foundation to have a long term success in your home school.

0:23

So I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from it.

You can go download it at my website, coachmegthomas.com or the link in my bio on Instagram, coach Meg Thomas.

So you can go ahead and grab that.

Also a reminder that Mama's members, the doors to that are still open and I'm spending all summer helping you get your home school up and running.

0:43

I'm helping you learn how to get to learn together, to be together as a family.

I was just speaking with a client the other day who's going to be homeschooling for a first time and just even facing some of those fears and helping her and having somebody on your team that's like all in on you and is so excited and comes with so many years of experience.

1:00

So I would love to have you there.

We're diving into the 30 days to ease into homeschooling, which is absolutely free in the membership.

You're also welcome to purchase that at my website.

But it's a ton of fun and it's so fun.

We have group calls and private calls and videos that you can go and just learn and glean all the homeschool goodies that you need.

1:20

So what I want to talk about today is something that's been coming up with a lot of clients lately.

And it's so interesting because I mostly coach adults, right?

And then sometimes I coach teens and every now and then a younger kid.

But it's so interesting to watch this recurring theme be popping up with some of my clients.

1:44

So I was talking to one of the dads I was coaching and he was telling me about how bad he was seeking his parents approval as a child.

And now here he is in his 50s and he is still seeking their approval.

2:00

He still wants to know somebody cares about me.

Am I good enough?

Some praise, anything.

And it's so interesting to get to hear this perspective from him and some other clients that I've been talking to of, of trying to prove their parents wrong, like I am a good person, I'm good.

2:17

You've said all these years, I'm so bad or I'm so terrible and they're just trying to prove themselves that somebody cares that I'm good enough.

And so it's so interesting listening to this from an adult perspective of how their childhood, of what an obstacle it has been for them in their life.

2:35

So this one client I was working with that was really trying to get his parents approval was telling me how he was trying to excel in everything when he would lived at home, try to get really good grades, everything he did try to be the best, like surely that would make his parents love him and appreciate him.

It didn't.

2:52

So he went down a career path where he knew he could get praise and recognition for his hard work.

And it was a very grueling career path and he sacrificed a lot, a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of things.

And it led to burnout.

3:09

It led him losing his family.

It led to him still feeling very, very empty.

So I have said many times that you cannot ruin your child's life.

Only they can do that.

However, my dear friends, I say this with so much love, you can be their biggest obstacle.

3:30

If you are telling your child repeatedly that they are dumb, difficult, annoying, stupid, or any other derogatory term, it can take them down, take them a very long time to even start questioning whether or not that is true about them, and can take them even longer to then stop believing it.

3:50

If you are critical and negative with your child, they can start to believe that they can't do anything right and a lot of them just stop trying.

I I've been very open about my childhood on here and I was told lots of things about me, that I was gross, super difficult, insulted about the way I looked and so on.

4:10

I am now 43 years old and these negative thoughts are still in my brain.

I have to fight them quite often that they are not true, that these were said by emotionally immature adults and to try to not take these things so personally.

4:28

So were my parents able to destroy my life?

No, only I could have done that, but they have been my biggest obstacle hands down in my life.

So as I was working with this client and other clients who've been talking to me about different things with their childhood, it reminded me how important it is as a parent are words and actions that we do to our kids and what we say.

4:55

So what do you do instead?

Turn to the scriptures for the answer.

Remember, what are the two great commandments?

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy mind.

This is the first and great commandment, and the 2nd is like unto it.

5:11

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

We need to love more.

We need to love like God loves.

And seeing the good in people, often we have the thought Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, as our literal neighbor or our enemies.

But it's also our children to love them, to be good to them, to be kind to them, to be the emotionally mature adult that is not reacting to them, but actually is showing up to teach them and guide them.

5:42

As we learn to love at this level, there are so many amazing benefits that happen to the person who is being loved.

So if this is you to your child, you are going to see emotional growth, they're going to have increased empathy and compassion, they're going to have greater emotional stability.

6:03

And isn't that a beautiful thing in a world of so much instability to have more people with emotional stability, more people with emotional maturity, So we're not walking around all like toddlers being offended and upset about everything that people do.

6:19

You can't say that 'cause that's offensive to me because I'm not in charge of my own emotions, right?

We need more people are like, you can say what you want to say and I get to choose how I think about it.

I choose not to be with you or whatever that looks like for you.

There are changes in behavior when somebody feel loves, they're more kind.

6:35

Isn't it interesting if you look at somebody who's really angry out on like a social media or news thing, they're just not very kind.

They're very angry and very upset.

And I, I'm willing to bet good money they don't feel very loved.

They feel very attacked and like a victim.

6:50

So they are healthy, have they're kinder.

When somebody feels loved, they're healthier.

They take care of their eating, they're exercising, avoiding risky behavior to make sure that they are there for the ones that love them and the people they love.

They are more positive and resilient.

7:08

They're able to bounce back when something's hard and look at why this is awesome or how do we figure a way out of this.

And they have that more positive outlook.

They have better communication skills.

Love requires and fosters open, honest and effective communication and enhancing interpersonal skills.

7:25

You also have stronger social connections.

Being loved and loving others can lead to a broader and deeper social network, providing additional sources of support and enrichment.

You you feel better about yourself and have better self worth.

You have more personal growth because you feel motivated to strive to be your best self, seeking that self improvement.

7:45

You even have health changes.

Isn't that so interesting?

If you've read I want to think it's called the rabbit effect.

I believe with the Bunny effect.

Rabbit effect sounds right, where somebody was doing the studies with all of these rabbits and for some reason this one group of rabbits did a lot better than all the other rabbits.

8:01

And they found out that the tech or whoever was in charge of these rabbits was loving them, was holding on to them, was stroking them, was being sweet to them, was saying kind words.

And those rabbits had better health than the other rabbits even though they were in the same environment.

That happens for kids as well and adults.

8:20

Better physical outcomes, lower blood pressure, improved immune function, and longer life expectancy all by having somebody love you.

They prioritize relationships, share goals, have dreams, reduction in negative behaviors that are less negative, less angry, less aggression, and lower rates of addiction.

8:43

Love changes people and I'm seeing client after client who have to heal just from their parents negative words or negative actions.

If they were emotionally abused, physically abused, verbally abused, they have to go and process this and go to these old wounds and heal from that so that they can then become this emotionally mature adult.

9:05

So wherever you are in that spectrum, I challenge you to either be a cycle breaker or don't be.

What's the right?

Yeah, cycle breaker?

I'm trying to think of another word for that.

But but to just keep the good going, to be that person that loves at such a level that people can come rest in your space, especially your children.

9:28

Love has the power to profoundly transform individuals, making them more compassionate, resilient, and connected.

Its influence extends to nearly every aspect of life, underscoring its fundamental role in human happiness and development.

Love is so, so powerful.

9:48

Now, I don't want this episode to come off negative or even a chastisement, but just as a reminder of how important your role is as a parent.

So often I see parents putting in so much time and effort into fixing a behavior.

I've got to change this.

10:04

I got to nip this in the bud When love and loving a kid unconditionally naturally changes those behaviors.

You see the good in your kid and you tell them the good things about them and they become that good thing.

You are that inner voice for them, that inner voice that they take into their adulthood.

10:21

You have your own experiences.

Maybe you had positive things that you said about you.

You're so artistic, you're so fun.

You are just a delight.

Parents voices become an adult's inner voice.

So be careful with what you're saying.

Now with this.

10:38

You're not going to be perfect, right?

Maybe you're feeling really inspired right now, like you're right, I have got to be better.

I've got to get my stuff together.

You're not going to be perfect.

You're going to keep making mistakes because you're learning and growing as an adult too.

So one thing I want to leave with you as you are working and trying on loving more and being that light within your own family is the power of apology.

11:02

So many of these clients that I'm working with have told me over and over again what an apology would do because they're like, I tried to be so good and it was never enough.

I tried to be more helpful.

I tried to be whatever.

And just like trying to get that reaction from their parents that they wanted that approval, that praise, and how much an apology would help.

11:26

I see it on the positive side.

The flip side, when I'm coaching somebody and somebody said something that they found hurtful and then that person apologizes and said, you're right.

I responded really poorly.

That was so terrible of me and I'm so sorry I treated you that way.

11:43

I'm going to keep working on not doing that and I'm sorry I love you so much.

That goes so far.

You know what's interesting is then it also teaches your children, oh, I don't need to be perfect either.

And when your kids mess up, just like you are learning and growing, they are too, right?

12:00

They're going to learn, oh, it's OK for me to be human and mess up sometimes.

And I can apologize when I do mess up.

So please, as as there's so much ugly and darkness in the world, be the light in your own home.

Love your babies, love your spouse.

12:17

Say nice things to them and about them.

Build them up and watch your family start to grow and see the beautiful change that love does for people.

Love you so much and I'll talk to you next week.

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